Say, for example, that James and Susanne have been married for 40 years. They decided Susanne would stay home with their three kids but, once their youngest turned 16, James wanted Susanne to go back to work, and she refused.
Now he’s ready to retire with $2.4 million saved, and Susanne wants to split that money evenly. They aren’t getting divorced (at least not now), but she wants her fair share and some autonomy in what she does with it.
James, however, is mad that she’s gone so many years without a job. He thinks he should keep all the funds and decide how they’re used since he worked so hard. But is this fair?
Therapists warn the attitude is a major red flag
While James may see the problem as Susanne’s demand for half the money, therapists warn this issue runs far deeper than a conflict over what to do with their retirement cash.
“When I hear of a couple who built their life around one partner working while the other stayed home, the fact that they now see that history so differently tells me that they don’t share the same values around it,” Jonathan Van Viegen, a couples therapist, told Moneywise. “And to me, that’s a pretty good sign that somewhere along the way, they’ve stopped liking one another.”
Dr. David Simonsen, a licensed marriage and family therapist and CEO of Creative Solutions Counseling, agreed, telling Moneywise, “If this is how the husband and wife feel, there are some serious problems in the relationship not related to the money. Of course the money would be shared. The wife did all the work of staying home and raising the kids. I would question why it’s being viewed this way.”
Unfortunately, this conflict is likely a major obstacle to the couple moving forward together into retirement. As Stephanie Flood, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of A Flood of Love, told Moneywise, “The particularly concerning phrase is ‘I don’t want to give her half to use as she pleases.’”
Flood explained that “in marriage, money can easily become a proxy for power. If retirement assets belong equally to both spouses, one spouse doesn’t get to remain the gatekeeper of how the other adult uses their share simply because they were the primary wage earner.”
If Susanne and James want to stay married, Flood recommends that they “stop treating this as simply a disagreement about money,” and acknowledge each other’s perspectives. Susanne may need to recognize the perspective James has on her refusal to return to work and the resentment he has about carrying the economic burden. He must acknowledge her contributions and the fact that their joint decision for her to stay home initially affected her earning power and retirement savings.
Van Viegen also stressed that they must show they truly value each other’s contributions to find a way to like each other again. “Until they can appreciate what the other person believes they contributed to the marriage, arguing over percentages is just another form of scorekeeping,” he said.
