I’m a 73-year-old widow and still helping my ‘failed to launch’ adult children financially. Should I finally cut the cord and let them flail?

Paula is worried her kids “failed to launch,” and wants to know when to cut her kids off and let them sink or swim on their own. This is a tough choice, but experts have some good advice to offer.

Should Paula cut off her kids?

Unfortunately for Paula, there’s not one clear answer on whether she should cut off her kids. In fact, even experts are split.

“You need to cut the cord,” Dr. Avigail Lev, a psychotherapist and director of the Bay Area CBT Center, told Moneywise. “Enabling your adult child to stay dependent on you is not what’s best for them. Saying no and setting limits and boundaries is more painful, but it’s the best thing you can do for your adult child.”

Dr. Lev pointed to research done at the Yale Child Study Center, which she said shows “when parents keep accommodating, the dependence gets worse, not better.” Since Dr. Lev practices schema therapy, she identified several common patterns of disordered thinking in dependent adult children, including entitlement without respect for boundaries, or a belief they can’t succeed on their own. Ending the support can help these children break destructive patterns.

However, Blythe Landry, a licensed clinical social worker and founder of Grief To Purpose, saw things differently, commenting, “An adult child’s failure to launch is so multifaceted and, as much as I understand the desire for a ‘clean’ answer, this is absolutely dependent on many factors.”

Landry recommended that Paula ask herself, “Am I doing for this adult what they are entirely capable of doing on their own, am I doing this for an adult child who I reared to be overly dependent on me, or is my child literally incapable of taking care of themselves due to no personal fault of their own?”

Paula must also consider how continuing to provide support affects her own situation. As Whitney Willborn, a licensed clinical social worker at BasePoint BreakThrough, summed up, “Providing help to your child is not a bad thing. However, the situation can become an unhealthy pattern for you as a parent if it drains you financially or emotionally.”

Ultimately, as Dr. Anum Ali, a mental health clinician and parenting expert, told Moneywise, “The useful distinction is between help that builds capacity and help that keeps replacing it.”

If Paula feels her support no longer helps, or that she can’t continue without compromising her own future security—and if there is no legitimate reason her kids cannot take control of their own lives—it may be time for Paula to act.

How can Paula stop the support?

If Paula decides to cut the cord, doing it the right way can help her avoid damaging her relationship with her kids and help them not feel abandoned or betrayed.

“I generally recommend giving a clear deadline, such as three months, for when financial support will end,” said Dr. Joe Rustum, a licensed clinical psychologist and psychology lecturer at Middle Tennessee State University. “In my experience, longer deadlines don’t necessarily accomplish much. People often wait until the last minute regardless of how much time they’re given.”

Paula also doesn’t have to end all support, either. “She can name what she will continue, what will end, and when, with reasonable notice rather than a threat during an argument,” said Dr. Ali.