'Going to end in ashes': Wife hides $100,000 in debt from her husband, says it's for family — Dave Ramsey doesn't buy it

“I’m struggling with essentially how to reconcile my vow to stand by my wife for better or worse and my responsibility to protect the future that I’ve been building for my lifetime,” he said during a recent episode of The Ramsey Show.

Five years on, and Jake isn’t even clear what his wife is spending the money on. While she admitted giving some to her brother, she won’t discuss the total amount she’s taken or where it’s going.

“Your marriage is very seriously broken,” Ramsey told him, and it either has to change or it’s going to end. “There’s no such thing as status quo here,” he said, adding, “It’s going to burn down; it’s going to end in ashes.”

What is financial infidelity?

So why did Jake put up with this for five years? “I was being guilted, maybe gaslit, into believing that it was something I was doing wrong, that I wasn’t being forgiving,” he said.

There’s a term for this: financial infidelity.

A lot of couples fight about money. And some people are financially irresponsible. That doesn’t make them a financial ‘cheater’ per se.

Financial infidelity occurs when one partner in a committed relationship intentionally hides their spending, savings or debt from the other. That might mean hiding significant debt or making large purchases or investments without their partner’s knowledge.

And if the other partner finds out, the ‘cheater’ may get defensive, revert to gaslighting or stonewall their partner.

John Delony, who co-hosted the episode, refers to financial infidelity as someone breaking the unity of a marriage by violating their partner’s safety and trust. In this case, he said, Jake’s wife’s actions violate both of those things.

“It’s not for better or worse,” said Delony. “For better or worse is job loss. For better or worse is an illness,” he said. In this case, he said, she’s “essentially stolen $100,000,” refuses to talk about it, and shows no remorse for her actions.

But financial fidelity is perhaps surprisingly common. Almost 6 in 10 Americans (59%) have a financial secret, including 11% who have a separate bank account that their partner doesn’t know about, according to a study by Talker Research on behalf of TD Bank U.S.

And a WalletHub survey found that nearly 1 in 3 people admit to lying about money to their partner. Yet, more than 1 in 10 believe financial infidelity is worse than physical or emotional infidelity, and almost half (47%) would divorce or break up with someone because of financial problems.

How to recover from financial infidelity

In Jake’s case, his wife refuses to talk about her spending. Indeed, she told him to go ahead and start divorce proceedings, and that she wouldn’t fight it — a sign that there are bigger issues in their marriage.

But that doesn’t mean all instances of financial infidelity will end in a breakup or divorce — so long as both partners are willing to work it out. After all, there are many reasons why people lie about money.

“They might anticipate disapproval of their purchases or hope to avoid confrontation (which inevitably leads to confrontation in the longer term),” writes Dr. Karen Stollznow, Ph.D., in Psychology Today. “Others are afraid of feeling embarrassed or ashamed about their reckless spending habits.”

But financial infidelity can have serious consequences — and not just for your relationship. Like Jake, it could affect your credit rating if you have joint accounts or shared finances. And, like Jake, if the debt is significant, it could affect your financial future, including your retirement plans.

You can’t work on a problem if you don’t acknowledge it. Dealing with financial infidelity starts with communication.

If a partner has a secret account, why do they feel they need to lie about it? There’s nothing wrong with having a separate account; the issue is lying about its existence.