Say, for example, that Sylvia is worried about her niece Nadia because Sylvia believes Nadia’s boyfriend, Raul, isn’t pulling his weight. While Nadia is a successful lawyer, Raul has an entry-level job and is making no effort to improve his situation.
Nadia is currently supporting Raul, and Sylvia is concerned that Nadia will blow her savings. So, is Sylvia right, and if so, what should she do about it?
Concern is OK; interference is probably not
As a caring aunt, it’s not necessarily a bad thing that Sylvia is worried about what’s happening with Raul and Nadia. The big question is, what can and should she do about her feelings?
“It’s OK to have concern for your niece. However, it’s not your place to intervene unless you were asked to help out. And in that case, there needs to be clear boundaries of what your assistance might look like,” Kristy Archuleta, a professor in financial therapy at the University of Georgia, told Moneywise.
Sarabeth O’Neil, a certified credit counselor and senior vice president at Family Credit Management, agreed, telling Moneywise, “I would only ever bring the topic up if your niece seemed unhappy or stressed about money, not because you personally don’t like it.”
O’Neil said that if Sylvia and Nadia are very close, then Sylvia “could always ask how things are going and if they’re saving for their future.” But she also advised staying away from asking her directly if she’s fine paying for her boyfriend, since it will probably put her on the defensive.
Understand the root of the anxiety
Sylvia also needs to examine why she’s feeling so anxious about the situation.
“As a therapist, my first question is: What is the anxiety about?” Silvia Dutchevici, the founder of the Critical Therapy Institute, told Moneywise. “Feelings about money are never just about money. I’d also ask how gender and the scripts we learned about dating and relationships fit into this. In short, I’d encourage the aunt to get curious about her own reactions.”
Sylvia needs to ask herself whether she’s worried that Nadia is being taken advantage of, whether there’s actual evidence Nadia is wasting her savings, or whether Sylvia is simply letting her own biases substitute for Nadia’s judgment.
