I want to leave everything to my kids — but I’m terrified my ex-husband could still end up benefiting. What can I do?

There’s just one problem. Margaret is distraught by the possibility that, somewhere down the road, her ex-husband could still benefit from her money.

She worries one of her daughters might lend him cash, help cover his bills, or even buy a home and allow him to live there. The thought of even a small portion of her estate indirectly improving his financial situation makes her uneasy.

Now she’s wondering if she can structure her estate in a way that keeps her estranged former spouse from ever seeing a dime.

Building guardrails into an estate plan

For many families, leaving assets to adult children is often the simplest approach. Once an inheritance is distributed, however, the recipient generally has complete control over what happens next.

Given her hostile feelings toward her ex-husband, Margaret may want something with a little more oversight.

One option she can explore is a revocable living trust, which allows her to place assets into a trust while retaining control during her lifetime. These trusts can help avoid probate, maintain privacy, and streamline the transfer of assets after death. But because Margaret could change or dissolve the trust whenever she chooses, a revocable trust typically offers limited protection against how beneficiaries ultimately use inherited money.

Since control is her primary objective, an irrevocable trust may provide more peace of mind.

A spendthrift trust, for example, is designed to protect assets from creditors, lawsuits, and even beneficiaries who might not be ready to manage a large inheritance responsibly. Rather than leaving her daughters a lump sum, Margaret could set rules around how and when money is distributed.

She might choose to allow payments for things like university tuition, rent, mortgage payments, a down payment on a first home, childcare, or medical expenses. That way, the money can be used to help her daughters build their lives, rather than arriving as a lump sum with no strings attached.

An even more hands-off option is a discretionary trust. In this setup, Margaret would appoint an independent trustee — such as a trust company, lawyer, or other professional fiduciary — to manage the money. That trustee would decide when funds are released, how much is given, and under what circumstances.

For example, if one daughter asks for money while also supporting her father financially, the trustee could refuse, pause, or limit distributions depending on the rules Margaret sets out.

Trusts aren’t uncommon. The National Bureau of Economic Research shows that about one in five U.S. households has received an inheritance at some point. Estate lawyers also say blended families and second marriages are increasingly pushing people toward more tailored estate plans. Still, legal tools can only go so far.

Even the best estate plan has limits

Margaret’s biggest challenge probably isn’t the trust itself. It’s accepting what comes with it — once her kids are adults, she doesn’t really get to control how they use the money.

Even a carefully structured discretionary trust only goes so far. If her daughters eventually receive assets outright, the money is theirs. There are no conditions she can enforce after that point.

That could mean helping their father with medical bills, covering rent during a tough stretch, contributing to a mortgage, or simply sending him money because they want to. If one of them buys a home, they could even decide to let him live there.

Legally speaking, that’s the end of it. Once the money changes hands, it’s no longer hers to direct.

Estate lawyers tend to flag this early on. Layering on ever-tighter restrictions can backfire — adding costs, complicating administration, and sometimes creating tension among beneficiaries instead of preventing the outcome in the first place.

In some cases, advisors suggest “stress-testing” the plan — basically running through real-life “what-ifs,” not just legal scenarios, to see how it might actually play out within the family.

Others recommend thinking ahead about backup options too, like naming a successor trustee in advance, so there’s no scramble or court involvement if the original trustee can’t step in.