My wealthy ex is abusive, but he promised to cover our kids’ college. Now he’s ghosting. Should I keep after him or give up for my mental health?

Let’s say, for example, that Rachel was married to a wealthy man named Tim. Tim was abusive, and Rachel left him and kept custody of their children. When they separated, Tim agreed to pay for their children’s college education. The problem is, it’s time for their daughter Joy to attend school, and Tim is ghosting Rachel rather than coming up with the cash.

Rachel isn’t sure whether she should keep after him or give up to protect her mental health. Fortunately, lawyers and financial therapists both weighed in on this difficult situation to help shed some light on the best move.

Can Rachel make him pay?

The first big question Rachel needs to answer is whether Tim would have to pay if she pursued him. It’s one thing to interact with her abuser if doing so is likely to result in her daughter getting tens of thousands of dollars. It’s another to do it if there’s virtually no chance Tim would actually have to pay.

So, can Tim be forced to fulfill his promise?

“It depends on what was agreed in writing,” Jean Brown, a San Antonio family law attorney, told Moneywise. “In most states, parents have no automatic legal duty to pay for college. And a verbal promise, even a sincere one, is hard to enforce.”

If Tim agreed in writing, though, that changes things. “If the promise is in the divorce decree or settlement agreement, the situation is different,” Brown said. “A written college provision can generally be enforced like any other contract, and courts have enforced them, including unpaid tuition and, in some cases, attorney’s fees.”

If there is a clause in the divorce decree, Rachel also needs to understand the scope of it and whether it’s clear on Tim’s duties.

“’He agreed to pay for college’ is one of the most under-specified sentences in a divorce agreement,” Liz Pharo Sauls, CEO of Divorce.com, told Moneywise. “Which school? Tuition only, or room, board, books, and fees? Capped at the in-state public rate, or whatever the kid gets into? How many years, and what if it takes five?”

Sauls recommended that Rachel carefully review the written record and consider talking with an attorney who can help her determine how likely she is to win.

Should Rachel try to make him pay?

If Rachel believes she has a good case, the next big question is what impact pursuing it could have on her mental health.

“It comes down to what it will cost you in money, time, and emotional energy, and whether you have support to get through it,” Justena Kavanagh, founder of NYC Counseling, told Moneywise. “For some of my clients, letting it go is real self-protection, not defeat. For others, holding the ex accountable is part of how they heal.”

Amanda Carnesecchi, an associate therapist at Gateway to Solutions, also pointed out that it’s not just Rachel’s mental health at stake. “Another strong factor to consider is how this affects your child and what their relationship with the other parent looks like,” she told Moneywise. If Joy has no relationship with Tim, Rachel may not want to let an abuser into their lives even if he comes bearing cash.