Now Candy and Brian are renting an apartment where Eric lives with them, and their other child, Sophia, is very concerned they’ll keep giving Eric money until their retirement account is drained and they can’t afford the basics. Sophia is also very frustrated with Eric in general because he’s never been responsible financially and has not managed to hold down any of his jobs or maintain healthy personal relationships. As he nears 40, Eric needs to find his own way for once and for all, Sophia says, and her parents need to concentrate on themselves.
She wants to know how she can stop her parents from continuing to put their own future at risk because of Eric’s bad choices, but therapists say the situation has to be approached carefully, and multiple experts suggest reframing the conversation.
Sophia can’t control her parents’ choices
While Sophia is right to be concerned, she must also realize she can’t control her parents’ choices, and lecturing them about helping Eric probably won’t convince them to change their behavior.
“You can’t salvage the situation through arguments,” Shebna N. Osanmoh, a psychiatric nurse practitioner at Savant Care, told Moneywise. “Many times, parents help irresponsible children out of fear and guilt. You need to understand their situation.”
Sophia also shouldn’t attack her brother in an attempt to convince her parents to stop. “If you come in with ‘he doesn’t deserve it,’ your parents will likely defend him,” said Debra Feinberg, a licensed clinical social worker and family therapist at Maplewood Counseling.
Unfortunately, Sophia also needs to recognize the limits of her influence.
“You cannot establish financial boundaries for another adult, including your parents,” Brook McKenzie, a licensed counselor and CEO of Burning Tree Programs, told Moneywise. “You can explain your concerns, ask questions and make decisions about your own involvement. But attempting to control their financial choices simply introduces another dysfunctional dynamic into the family.”
She can try to change her parents’ ways
Of course, this doesn’t mean Sophia must just sit back and let her parents squander all they worked for. However, experts suggest that reframing her argument could make her parents more receptive to change.
“Parents can really be stubborn, especially when they get older, and I’ve had my fair share of cases dealing with parents exactly in the scenario you mentioned,” said Oliver Morrisey, founder of Empower Probate Lawyers.
