Part of this stress likely comes from pressure from extended family. In fact, as Debra Feinberg, an individual and family therapist and founder of Maplewood Counseling, told Moneywise, “when adult children marry, holidays often turn into a tug-of-war between two families, and one side usually ends up feeling left out.”
Let’s say this is the case for Lillian, who is fed up with her son, Vince, because Vince and his family spend every holiday at his wife’s parents’ home. It’s been multiple Christmases and Thanksgivings, and Lillian’s tired of feeling like a second-class citizen, so she’s considering buying nothing for the grandkids this year.
The big question is, would that be the right approach to fix the situation?
Lillian shouldn’t stop buying gifts
First things first. Lillian may want to think twice before she takes her anger out on her grandchildren.
“Don’t stop buying the gifts, at least not as a way to make a point,” Feinberg said. “The grandkids didn’t make the holiday plans, and pulling back from them usually deepens the distance with your son, which is the opposite of what you want.”
Stephanie Lewis, vice president of clinical operations at Epiphany Wellness, agreed, telling Moneywise, “Don’t use gifts as leverage or expect holiday access in return, and avoid making gifts a loyalty test.”
Depending on their age, Lillian’s grandkids may very well be old enough to notice that Grandma stopped providing presents. This could weaken their relationship over time, especially if Lillian has made it clear she’s withholding gifts because she didn’t get her way on the holiday schedule.
An open conversation with her son is appropriate
While Lillian shouldn’t use gifts to try to force Vince to bring the kids over, that doesn’t mean she has no right to be upset about being left out of every holiday. In fact, experts suggest that an open dialogue with her son is the right way to try to resolve the issue.
“Talk to your son directly, without blaming his wife,” suggested Feinberg, advising Lillian to say something like, “I miss you and the kids over the holidays. Can we find a time that works for all of us, even if it’s not the day itself?”
