My daughter secretly eloped, and now she wants to throw a party to celebrate. She’s asking me to pay for it, but I'm hurt I was left out. What now?

Beth, however, is upset and hurt that she wasn’t invited to the elopement, and she’s not eager to pay for what she sees as nothing more than a big, expensive party.

So, should Beth pay to keep the peace, or should she confront her daughter about not being at the actual wedding? Here’s what the experts had to say.

Beth should sit with her feelings of sadness

One of the most important things Beth should do is come to terms with her feelings before deciding how to move forward.

“The loss here is about a wedding that you as a parent have been dreaming about,” Cory Reid-Vanas, LMFT and founder of Rocky Mountain Counseling Collective, told Moneywise. “Name the grief and loss. There are missed opportunities like not seeing your daughter get ready, walking her down the aisle, or hugging her afterwards.”

Reid-Vanas recommended that Beth sit with these feelings and bring herself to a grounded place before talking to Taylor so she can “engage in honest, open dialogue that is healing and connected rather than furthering the upset.”

He also suggested Beth explore whether she can contribute money without adding to her feelings of resentment, while Kiki Jacobson, a licensed mental health therapist at YourMoneyCounselor.com, stressed the importance of Beth making a decision in line with her long-term values.

“If my value is to nurture a loving, long-term relationship with my daughter, I would remind myself that respecting her autonomy means accepting that she has the right to make decisions for her life even if those decisions aren’t what I would have done,” Jacobson told Moneywise.

Other experts suggested a similar approach. “Whatever decision the mother makes, it should come from a place of self-care and be consistent with her values — not guilt, fear, or punishment,” Mary McLaughlin, a licensed clinical social worker, told Moneywise. “We often regret decisions we make that come from a place of resentment. Decisions that reflect our values are easier to stand behind, even if they don’t make everyone happy.”

Understanding her daughter’s perspective is key

When Beth feels ready to have a calm, constructive conversation with her daughter, that’s the next step — but it has to be done right.

“I would start with an in-person conversation focused primarily or solely on sharing feelings,” Dr. Larry Schooler, an assistant professor at the University of Texas at Austin, told Moneywise. “You deserve the chance to tell your daughter how her decision affected you.”

However, Reid-Vanas made clear the discussion shouldn’t be framed as an ultimatum. “I recommend two separate conversations: The party planning and paying talk and the ‘I was hurt’ conversation. When those two are mixed, they likely both will not go well,” he said, explaining that a “defensive dynamic may emerge” if Beth links paying for the party with Taylor apologizing.

Schooler suggested saying something like “Before we talk about the wedding party, it’s important for me to share some of my honest feelings about all of this. And none of what I’m about to share necessarily means that I won’t help throw the party.”

Jacobson also advised Beth to get curious. “I would ask a question like: ‘I really want to understand what that decision was like for you. Would you be willing to share what led you to decide to elope?’”