5 relationship pitfalls couples commonly face in retirement — and how therapists say you should address them

It’s not uncommon. The gray divorce rate — divorces among couples 50 and older — has remained elevated since 2010. Moreover, older couples represented 8% of all divorces in the 1990s, but that number ballooned to 40% in 2024.

Not every marriage will end in divorce. But the data points to how tricky retirement can be for couples when they realize just how much free time they have.

“Retirement is likely to reshape your sense of identity, routines, financial stability, and relationship dynamics at the same time,” Dr. Robert Davies, a board-certified psychiatrist at Chroma Wellness Center, told Moneywise. “Many couples plan financially for retirement; however, many fail to make provisions for emotional readiness.”

Here are five common problems and tips to consider as you transition into retirement with your other half, according to experts.

1. Loss of confidence and identity

After working 40-plus hours a week for 40 years — either for yourself or at a company — work easily becomes part of your identity. So it’s common for a part of someone’s self worth to be tied to their job. It gives them satisfaction and new goals to aim for on a regular basis.

“Retirement can take away much of what gives a person’s life structure, purpose, and recognition,” Davies said. “As many people find out after retiring, we tend to identify with our careers far more than we realize.”

The solution here, Davies said, is to create identity through activities that give you pleasure, such as hobbies, volunteering, friendship or mentoring. This is better done before retirement so don’t find yourself lost when you’re no longer expected to report to a job every day.

2. Too much time together

As stressful as working can be, jobs do provide a sense of individuality and an opportunity for couples to spend time apart.

“There’s often a fantasy that couples who get to spend more time together will be happier — but this idea often misses the important role that work offers in terms of creating a much-needed sense of autonomy,” Dr. Navvab Tadjvar, a clinical psychologist in Beverley Hills, told Moneywise. “To have our own world of satisfaction separate from our partnership paradoxically sustains our desire to be with our partner.”

Without that distance, couples may feel suffocated, he added. And Mary McLaughlin, a licensed clinical social worker and couples therapist in Vienna, Virginia, agrees.

She told Moneywise that even healthy marriages can struggle with adjusting to retirement because people often underestimate how different it feels to share the same space all day.

“You lose privacy, quiet time, and the freedom to move through the day without considering another person’s schedule, needs, or habits,” she said. “Little things like using the treadmill at 6 a.m., a noisy phone call, or clutter left around the house can become surprisingly frustrating.”

3. Anxiety over finances

Living on a newly fixed income can be a challenge unless both spouses are on the same page in terms of budgeting and financial priorities. This can be tricky during retirement because, perhaps for the first time, outside of maybe an unexpected layoff, you’re living off your nest egg.

“The true emotional cause of these [money] disputes often lies in a sense of security; one person sees money as an opportunity for freedom, and the other person views it as a means to protect themselves from future risks,” said Stacey Sheller, licensed marriage and family therapist at The Grove Recovery Community.

If partners don’t explore the emotional differences causing their views around money, “all they will be doing is battling with numbers rather than resolving the real issues at hand,” she said.