Let’s say, for example, that Richard has been working hard and has $1.5 million saved in his 60s. The problem is that his wife, Jackie, has only $150,000 saved. She earned less over her career and took time off and worked part-time to care for the couple’s kids, so she simply couldn’t keep up.
Richard didn’t know Jackie’s balance was so low, and he’s shocked. For her part, Jackie is hurt because she always assumed the money they put into Richard’s accounts was for both of them. So, is Richard right to be upset and what can the couple do to salvage the situation?
Consider the response carefully
Richard may feel blindsided, but he needs to pause before reacting so he can choose the best way to respond without doing lasting damage to the couple’s relationship.
“Take a day or two to calm down before talking,” Debra Feinberg, founder and family therapist at Maplewood Counseling, told Moneywise. “If you go in angry, your wife will likely get defensive, and the real conversation won’t happen.”
Brittany Polansky, assistant clinical director at First Step Behavioral Health, agreed, telling Moneywise, “my advice would be to give yourself a little time to process those feelings before having a conversation with your spouse. Instead of approaching it with blame or asking why she didn’t save more, try to understand how you both got to this point and what your expectations were around retirement.”
Understand the reasons behind the gap
As Richard prepares to talk with Jackie, he should consider why this gap exists. He may need to ask Jackie some questions, but looking back on their shared life should also give him insight into Jackie’s situation.
“Look at what this says about your relationship,” Feinberg said. “Were finances kept separate? Did one person feel shut out, or ashamed to bring it up? The gap in savings is often a sign of a gap in communication.”
Jackie may have been reluctant to tell Richard she was struggling because she feared the exact reaction that he’s having now: shock and dismay. She may also be upset that Richard doesn’t understand her lack of savings was due to other contributions she made to the family.
“Her low retirement savings may be less a matter of hard work or discipline than a case of unpaid work not earning benefits. Her contribution went into caretaking, managing the household, and supporting his earning power, so the $1.5 million is arguably a joint product,” Wendy Molyneux, founder of Whole Person Finance, told Moneywise.
