Jul 19, 2026
Among young Americans buying a home, close to a quarter get help from their families in coming up with the funds for a down payment. Given that median home prices hit $430,000 in June, it’s not a surprise that people need help to get on the property ladder.
But what if that help comes with strings attached? Should you accept the money even though it may create tension with loved ones, or should you give it back to retain your independence, even if that means buying a home will be difficult?
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Let’s pretend, for example, that Kailey and Rich are newlyweds looking to buy their first home and Rich’s mom, Penny, offered them a $60,000 down payment. The problem is that Rich’s mom is now driving Kailey crazy, sending home listings for properties that don’t work for the couple and making constant suggestions.
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Kailey is ready to return the cash, especially as she’s worried it will ruin her developing relationship with her mother-in-law. But Rich says they need it for a home and he’d rather she just ignore his mother. What should the couple do?
Understand the scope of the problem
The first key thing Kailey needs to do is evaluate whether Penny’s behavior is really a problem.
“It seems clear that your mother-in-law wants the best for her son and his family, and is willing to do what she can to make that happen by giving the gift,” Dr. Ken Newberger, a conflict analysis & resolution specialist, told MoneyWise. “Trying to further assist in looking for potential houses for the couple to buy is likely a simple extension of that.”
Newberger pointed out that “all she is doing is sending potential homes for the couple to view,” and suggested simply thanking her for her help and using her as a resource.
“Reply with a refinement of the kind of house you are looking for, including the size, number of bedrooms, bathrooms, and location,” he suggested. “This is the real fix. Give her your actual criteria, and she becomes an additional set of eyes helping you find homes that genuinely fit, rather than a source of misses to sort through.”
Newberger believes this response matches the size of the “problem,” which amounts to nothing more than a few emails, and advised that “setting boundaries or returning a $60,000 gift is a large reaction to a minor annoyance and it risks a strained relationship over almost nothing.”
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Establish clearly defined roles — if necessary
If Kailey is truly uncomfortable with this arrangement, or worried that Penny’s helpfulness will escalate into exerting more control, she can try to head that off at the pass, but needs to do it the right way.
“When I see clients considering major financial entanglement with relatives, I always urge caution and recommend setting strong and explicit boundaries,” Matthew Willner, a clinical social worker and psychotherapist licensed in New York, New Jersey and Colorado, told MoneyWise. However, if Kailey wants to take this step, she should enlist help.
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“Who delivers the boundaries is important,” he said. “Your mother-in-law’s child, your spouse, is the one who should deliver the boundary. From her child, it’s family business. But from you, it could lead to distrust between you and her.”
However, Willner did note that since Penny provided such a generous gift, those boundaries shouldn’t necessarily mean excluding her entirely from the home-buying process. They just need to define their limits with the help of Rich.
“The best approach to a mother-in-law exerting control through gifts is to set clearly defined roles,” he said. “The mother-in-law’s involvement may come from a desire to still feel needed, so channel that desire rather than shutting it out. The couple receiving the gift should decide together where the input is welcome, such as the inspection, walkthrough, or furnishing.”
Once Kailey and Rich decide how Penny can be a part of their home-buying journey, Wilner says Rich can “deliver the message that you both want her involved, but being explicit about limits. This honors her generosity and names the boundaries.”
It also allows the couple to avoid jeopardizing both their relationship with Penny and their ability to become homeowners in the near future.
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Christy Bieber has 15 years of experience as a personal finance and legal writer. She has written for many publications including Forbes, Kilplinger, CNN, WSJ, Credit Karma, Insurify and more.
