My mom, 71, lives 2 states away and loves to visit. We pay her travel costs, but now she wants to come more often. We can’t afford it — what now?

Wendy typically covers her mother’s travel costs, but Amy is now asking to come more often — up to six times a year. While Wendy wants her children to spend more time with their grandmother, the repeated requests for travel cash have Wendy worried about the impact on the family budget and her own retirement savings.

“There’s an important distinction between helping with a genuine need and taking responsibility for a parent’s discretionary spending,” Daniel Preston, founder of LiveInCare USA, an online care matching platform connecting families with caregivers, told Moneywise. “If an older parent needs help with food, housing or care, families may understandably feel a strong obligation to find a solution. Yet paying for additional leisure travel is different.”

Weighing wants versus needs

In short, family and financial experts say the answer is a response built on tough love and rational budgeting.

“The easy test is always needs versus wants,” Eric Croak, a financial planner and president of Toledo, Ohio-based Croak Capital, told Moneywise. “Shelter, medicine, food and utilities are needs. Four or five visits per year is a want.”

For Wendy, the harsh reality is that an $800 peak-season round-trip airfare that her mom takes six times per year costs $4,800. “That’s real money,” Croak said. “But a family that names the ‘needs versus wants’ bucket honestly, can then fund it honestly.”

Wendy’s job is to recognize three key household cash management indicators that could derail her family’s long-term savings program.

“The three big red flags include spending your emergency fund to pay for a parent’s travel, reducing your 401(k) contributions to below the employer match threshold and running a balance on a high-interest credit card to pay for family expenses,” Croak noted.

Triggering any of those red flags indicates that the help Wendy is providing is coming at the expense of her family’s financial future.

Needs come before wants in most family arguments, but the priority list should still go: emergency fund, employer match, paying down high-interest debt, then college savings, then money for parents. “In short, nobody’s future is helped by an unfunded retirement,” Croak added.

Setting clear boundaries

To avoid future negotiations about each visit, family care specialists advise setting boundaries ahead of time.

“For instance, the daughter could say, ‘We are willing to assist you financially for two annual visits, but any additional trips beyond these two visits would fall under your travel budget,’” Dr. Alexandra Foglia, director of family programs at All in Solutions, a network of treatment centers across the U.S., told Moneywise. “Establishing a set number or dollar figure for each visit eliminates any potential for misunderstandings and reduces the likelihood that the conversation will become too personal.”

Additionally, Amy and Wendy could always offer alternative solutions available to reduce costs associated with long-distance visits. “That could mean sharing the cost of airfare, reducing the frequency of visits while increasing the length of each stay, earning and utilizing reward points, or choosing less expensive options for visits,” Foglia said.

Parental emotions can tug hard on the heart, but Wendy’s best move is likely to help where she can while setting firm boundaries about covering her mom’s travel expenses.