Jan 23, 2025
Most children would tell you they’d spare no cost to help their parents. And it turns out, many of them are putting their money where their mouth is.
According to the U.S. Census, in 2020, around 2.4 million parents received median annual payments of $3,749 from adult children. The AARP also reports that 32% of midlife adults provide support to their parents, and 52% anticipate they'll have to do the same someday.
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Inevitably, a good portion of those people giving money to their parents are married themselves. And this can create tension when spouses disagree on how much to help.
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Let’s say you’re closing in on 60, your kids are all teenagers now and your wife is already starting to plan all the trips you’ll do when you finally retire in a few years. But suddenly your spouse informs you her parents have hit a rough patch financially. She wants you to tap into the $610,000 nest egg you’ve built up to help her parents cover their rent.
One month’s rent won’t break the bank, but you’re hesitant to start descending a slippery slope. You’ve worked hard to set aside a chunk of change and you worry any help you give your in-laws now might come at the expense of your (or your children’s) own comfort one day.
The big question is, what should you do in this difficult situation?
Spouses need to talk about shared financial goals
As a general rule of thumb, it's important to prioritize your own finances over providing money to loved ones. Otherwise, this could make it impossible to accomplish your goals.
With the average cost of college coming in at $38,270 per year, according to the Education Data Initiative, and with close to half of all households at risk of running out of money in retirement, you may not be able to afford to provide much money to your in-laws without risking becoming a burden on your own children or leaving them saddled with expensive student loans.
However, since you are married, you also have to take your spouse's wishes into account. Fidelity's 2024 Couples and Money study revealed that 45% of partners have at least occasional money fights and 25% say money conflicts are their biggest relationship challenge. Flat out refusing to help your in-laws at all could come at the cost of your marriage if your spouse resents you for your unwillingness to offer aid.
The best thing to do is to get on the same page with your wife by discussing your financial needs and the impact that gifting her parents money could have on them. If you can show your wife how assisting her parents will impede your efforts to care for your own family, she may decide to offer her parents other types of assistance short of writing them a check.
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On the other hand, she may still want to provide at least some support — and her wishes need to be considered too. If this is important to her, you may need to sit down, see what wiggle room you have in your budget, and find at least a little bit of money she can offer.
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Look for ways to help beyond offering cash
As you work with your wife to get on the same page about whether to help her parents, you can also explore ways to help them that don't involve giving them money. Finding other solutions may make your wife more willing to keep your bank account closed — and can also enable her parents to get by without your support.
Some possible options include:
- Exploring senior housing options with subsidized rent
- Allowing her parents to live in your house and contribute what they can afford
- Helping her parents explore other programs available at benefits.gov
- Working with her parents to make a budget that allows them to survive on the income they have
Hopefully, through these efforts, you can find a solution for your in-laws that doesn't involve giving them money. Then you can make your wife and her parents happy while preserving all of the money you've worked hard to acquire.
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Christy Bieber has 15 years of experience as a personal finance and legal writer. She has written for many publications including Forbes, Kilplinger, CNN, WSJ, Credit Karma, Insurify and more.
