Aug 9, 2025
Life gets complicated as we age – from managing health care and assisted living costs to getting our estate plans in order.
But few things add more stress than a family dispute with adult children, especially during a time when you should be enjoying your retirement in peace and focusing on what matters most to you.
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Imagine this scenario: You’re 80 years old with two grown sons that you raised by yourself after divorcing your ex-husband. While you struggled as a single mother in the beginning, you worked your way up over the years and retired with an estate worth $5 million. How do you best divide the estate among your boys?
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The problem is, one of your sons argues he’s entitled to a larger portion of the estate than his brother, claiming his dad favored his sibling when he left them money – now he wants you to make up the difference.
While you wish your ex-husband had divided his legacy equally, you understand why he didn’t: Your first son has health issues, but also a history of problems with spending and debt, so money was left to him in a trust that he can only access for health-related expenses. His brother, however, was left more liquid cash that he has been able to use for himself and his family.
Your first son wants to be able to invest and be more financially stable, but he needs more liquid cash from you. Your other son is firm that the estate should be equally divided. What should you do?
Reasons for inheritance disputes
Many American families face the challenges of inheritance disputes every day. In 2023, nearly six in 10 American families reported being involved in inheritance disputes.
While many of these are domestic squabbles, they have the potential to escalate into court battles. And even if it doesn’t end up as a legal issue, arguments over inheritances can end family relationships and cause long-lasting resentments.
There are many reasons for inheritance disputes besides unequal distribution among children. Many families lack an updated and clear will, if they have any will at all. Philanthropy group Plannedgiving.com says more than 72% of Americans lack a valid will, leaving living relatives to argue over how an estate should be split.
Some family members may argue their elderly parents or relatives were coerced or manipulated into writing an unfair will. Others might already be dealing with tensions from sibling conflicts or miscommunication in blended families.
When left unresolved, inheritance disputes can lead to emotional distress, financial burdens, familial disruption or even a total family breakdown.
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How should I approach this with my sons?
First, ask yourself if you value equality or equity: Equality is an even distribution of resources, while equity doles out the funds based on individual needs to achieve a fair outcome. Also, consider if family harmony between your sons is as, or more, important to you than supporting their long-term financial health.
Consider the feelings of both your sons. Your first son is feeling stress from finances and his health issues, but also resentment and shame that he wasn’t allowed to have accessible, liquid money like his brother. On the other hand, your other son may be feeling like he is being punished and rewarded less for remaining financially stable.
A middle-ground solution may be the best way to go. You could still split funds equally between your sons, but for your first son, put funds into a trust that is more flexible and accessible than the one his father created, so that it can be used for other long-term goals rather than just his health expenses.
You could also keep your estate equally split but gift your first son some liquid cash to help him be more financially stable. Plus, you can tie the gift to specific conditions or goals.
Above all, have family conversations with both your sons that are transparent and finished before you make any official financial decision. Work with an estate attorney if you think that is best, and remember, this is your hard-earned money – as much as you want to support the futures of your sons, they shouldn’t guilt you into a serious financial decision.
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Chris Clark is a Kansas City–based freelance journalist covering personal finance, housing and retirement. A former Associated Press editor and reporter, he writes plainspoken stories that help readers make smarter financial decisions.
