Feb 10, 2025
Carl’s wife, Maria, has a tumultuous relationship with her family. So, when her rich aunt offered the couple a $250,000 gift to help pay off their mortgage, Maria refused.
She believes there’s no such thing as a free lunch, meaning that gift will come with strings attached. Maria feels like they’ll never truly own their home if her aunt has paid for a significant portion of it.
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Carl, on the other hand, is focused on the life-changing benefits of this gift. The couple has close to the same amount left on their mortgage, which they’re currently paying a 6% rate on.
He’d like to use that gift to pay off the house and invest the money they would have otherwise used for monthly mortgage payments.
Since money matters can be so emotional, especially when it comes to family, how can he convince his wife with numbers (or should he)?
Navigating money issues in relationships
What are the couple’s options? If they accept the gift, they could make a large lump-sum payment on their mortgage (though there may be a prepayment penalty). Once they no longer have monthly mortgage payments, they’ll have more money to save and invest. This, in turn, could help them reach other financial goals faster — possibly even retiring earlier than they initially planned.
Or, they may want to invest the $250,000 gift (or a portion of it). They could continue paying their mortgage but reduce their amortization schedule and make larger monthly payments to pay it off faster. Much will depend on their portfolio and if they expect the rate of return to outpace their mortgage interest, which is where a trusted financial adviser could help.
Another option, of course, is simply to refuse the gift.
While crunching the numbers can take some of the emotion out of a financial decision, emotions shouldn’t be dismissed either. Nearly 25% of couples say money is their greatest relationship challenge, according to the Fidelity’s 2024 Couples & Money Study. Almost half (45%) of partners say they “argue about money at least occasionally” and more than one quarter admit to “often being frustrated by their partner’s money habits but let it go for the sake of keeping the peace.”
In any marriage, communication is critical — and money matters are no exception. While nearly 9-in-10 couples say they communicate well, according to the Fidelity study, more than 1-in-4 partners “resent being left out of financial decisions.”
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Whatever Carl does, it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to accept the money and invest it behind his wife’s back. Even if his intentions are good, that could be considered financial infidelity, which refers to keeping a financial secret from your significant other.
But this isn’t uncommon. Around 40% of U.S. adults in committed relationships have kept a financial secret from their partner, according to a recent Bankrate study.
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How to resolve major financial disputes
Effective communication is key to financial harmony in a relationship, according to the Fidelity study. For Carl, that means not just presenting Maria with the math (after all, it’s hard to argue against the financial benefits of such a large gift), but understanding why Maria is so resistant to accepting this money in the first place.
For example, maybe the resentment of her aunt runs deeper than is known, or she has good reason to believe conditions will be attached to the money — even if those conditions haven’t been explicitly stated. These circumstances could lead to a lot of family drama.
Aside from having an open, honest conversation with each other, Carl and Maria may need to have an open, honest conversation with her aunt about any expectations that come with this gift.
If Carl and Maria still can’t come to an agreement, they may want to consider consulting with a financial adviser or even a financial counselor who can help them navigate uncomfortable money conversations.
There’s no right answer for this couple; every family has its own unique (and often challenging) dynamics.
While a gift from a family member can be life-changing, it can also come with conditions, expectations or obligations. Even if those conditions aren’t enforceable, it can cause misunderstandings, ongoing drama and even deep family rifts.
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Vawn Himmelsbach is a veteran journalist who has been covering tech, business, finance and travel for the past three decades. Her work has been featured in publications such as The Globe and Mail, Toronto Star, National Post, Metro News, Canadian Geographic, Zoomer, CAA Magazine, Travelweek, Explore Magazine, Flare and Consumer Reports, to name a few.
