My husband’s mom gave us $50,000 cash to buy our dream home — but now her ‘helpful suggestions’ won’t stop. Should we just give the money back?

After weeks of this, Laura is so fed up that she’s ready to give back the cash even though that will mean the couple has to save for three more years or make a smaller down payment and pay private mortgage insurance. So, should the couple wire Sara back the funds or put up with the “help” Sara’s trying to offer?

Setting boundaries

The first key thing to remember is that Laura can’t decide what to do with the $50,000 by herself. She and Emmett must be on the same page since the decision will affect them both.

“Before they accept money or a home from the in-laws, both partners should agree on what is acceptable as help,” Kat Grassetti, a women’s health specialist and clinical director at Monima Wellness Center, told Moneywise.

They’ll also need to determine if Sara is willing to accept that boundary, as she may not be.

“Most parents handing over money to help with a down payment are usually ‘buying’ some ongoing involvement or reciprocal exchange in their kid’s life, but many of them couldn’t exactly tell you that that’s what they’re doing or attempting,” Annia Raja, a licensed clinical psychologist and founder of Helm Psychology, told Moneywise. “Whether anyone said any of this out loud, the couple accepting the financial help is implicitly accepting that when they accept the money.”

While this may be driving Laura crazy, reframing her mindset could potentially help her to be more accepting of Sara’s involvement.

“I would suggest that you imagine where the in-laws’ motivations might be coming from, and allow for multiple alternatives that are not underhanded or controlling,” David Bowers, a marriage and family therapist and owner of LifeWrx Group, told Moneywise. “If you assume goodwill on their part, then having conversations with them about limits on how much input you’re able to take might be a win-win situation.”

Deciding what to do

If Laura and Emmett aren’t OK with Sara’s desired level of involvement, they have a tough choice to make, and Bowers advises the couple to consider several issues when making it.