North Carolina woman says she’s considering ending her engagement over fiance’s frugal habits. Here’s why Dave Ramsey is calling her partner selfish

Dave Ramsey said there's more to the couple's tiff, saying, "This is way beyond avocados (2)."

His co-host Rachel Cruze agreed that there may be issues over and above simple penny-pinching. For many couples, fights over money can often mask deeper concerns about trust, control, security and shared values.

When money issues stir up couple drama

Being careful with money isn't a red flag in itself. Having a partner who has financial discipline can be a major asset in a long-term partnership. But Jackie's concern wasn't simply that her fiancé likes saving money. She felt many major relationship decisions, whether it was delaying marriage or pushing to live together, were driven by cost savings, often at the expense of what mattered to her.

Jackie pointed out, "I think our framework for making decisions is very different."

Cruze zeroed in on the possibility that Jackie's frustration may stem less from "cheapness" and more from feeling like her partner prioritizes his own financial security over the relationship itself.

In Relational Pysch, Dr. Carly Claney talks about the 'scarcity' money mindset, where people fear and anxiety around money (4). It can have an impact on relationships and cause conflict and tension. Being frugal, on the other hand, is more value-based and collaborative, like when a couple decides to be intentional with spending to support shared goals.

Ramsey went even further, calling the issue "selfishness," adding, "He's going to have to start saying, 'Oh, my job here is to take care of this wonderful woman named Jackie and this baby I made with her and quit acting like a twerp over avocados.'" Ramsey suggested that Jackie's fiancé is more focused on what he can get instead of what he can give (3).

According to the American Psychological Association, about 31% of couples admit that money is a source of conflict in their relationships (5). Whether or not listeners agree with Ramsey's perspective, his broader point reflects this common relationship challenge.

But all hope isn't lost; a saver and a spender can absolutely thrive together if they are willing to work together on building a solid foundation.

Tips for managing money as a couple

Here are ways that couples can keep finances from becoming emotional landmines:

Figure out your relationship to money. Discuss how your family handled money growing up. Were you raised to save every penny? To spend freely? Those early lessons, or lack thereof, can often shape adult behavior.

Get on the same page. Before arguing over groceries, vacations or rent, ask: What are we optimizing for? Having shared values make spending and saving decisions easier.

Separate "cheap" from "intentional." Being cost-conscious isn't the same as refusing to spend where it matters. If there's an issue with frugality, as in Jackie's story, figure out if it's cost-savings or scarcity mindset so that you can work together to manage it.