We’ve been married 35 years, but my husband and I are basically strangers — now we’re both retiring and dreading being stuck at home together

For years, their jobs have given them separate schedules, separate routines, and plenty of time apart. Now Linda and Gary are both preparing to retire — and the idea of having unlimited time together doesn’t feel quite as exciting as it once did.

They’re not necessarily unhappy — they’re just not sure they know how to be a couple without work and kids filling in so much of the space.

That’s a retirement question that can be easy to overlook for many couples. It’s easy to spend years figuring out how much money you’ll need, when to claim Social Security, and whether your savings can support the lifestyle you want.

But there’s another question worth asking before you leave the workforce: What will life actually look like once you don’t have to go to work anymore?

Retirement can magnify existing marital problems

Retirement doesn’t necessarily create problems in a marriage. But it can change the routines, roles, and amount of time couples have together — sometimes in ways they didn’t see coming.

For decades, work has given each spouse a schedule, a reason to leave the house, other people to talk to and, perhaps most importantly, some time apart.

A 2020 study that followed 2,117 couples through the transition into retirement found that, on average, both retirees and their partners reported higher life satisfaction after retirement. But the researchers also found plenty of variation from one person to the next, which suggests that there isn’t one “right” way to experience retirement.

“Retirement removes some of the routine and distractions that helped couples function during the active parenting and working years,” Dorian Mintzer, a retirement coach and co-author of The Couple’s Retirement Puzzle, told Moneywise. When one or both spouses stop working, she says, “The dynamics of the relationship change.”

And spouses don’t necessarily experience that change in the same way. Mintzer says each person may have their own expectations for how they’ll spend their time — and may even have assumptions about how their partner will spend theirs. “It’s important to discuss and clarify expectations so you don’t continuously disappoint each other,” she adds.

Plan for retirement — and time apart

A retirement plan needs to cover more than “Do we have enough money?” It should also answer a less comfortable question — “What are we going to do with all this time?”

After decades of working, couples can have very different ideas about what retirement is supposed to look like. One might be dreaming about travel and busy days out of the house. The other might be perfectly happy with a slower routine and more time at home.

That’s not necessarily a problem. Mintzer recommends that couples “puzzle it out” individually before sitting down to compare notes. That means thinking about what each person actually wants from retirement.

It doesn’t have to mean your spouse suddenly becomes your only companion, social outlet, and source of entertainment. Keeping up your own friendships, hobbies, and routines can give you both some breathing room — and maybe even give you something new to talk about at the end of the day.

It’s worth talking not just about what you want to do in retirement, but what you expect your spouse’s days to look like, too. Those assumptions can cause friction when they don’t match reality.

Before retirement, Mintzer says couples should talk through expectations for time together and apart, household responsibilities, hobbies, travel, and other parts of daily life.

“Each member of the couple may assume they want the same things — only to discover that’s not the case,” she says. One place to start: talk about what an “ideal day or week” would look like for each person, then see where those visions line up — and where some compromise may be needed.

Before either person hands in a retirement letter, sit down and compare notes:

• What do I want my average weekday to look like?
• How much time do I actually want to spend together?
• What do I want to keep doing on my own?
• What do I want us to do together?
• What would make me feel like I’m having a good retirement?

Going from paychecks to Social Security, pensions, and withdrawals from savings can change the dynamic at home. One spouse might finally be ready to enjoy some of the money they’ve spent decades saving, while the other is still thinking about what could go wrong.

Decide how you’ll handle discretionary spending, whether each person gets some money of their own and what purchases require a joint decision. If one spouse has always handled the finances, make sure both people know where the money is, what the budget is, and how much room there is to spend.