My sister says I ‘don’t deserve’ my $223K inheritance because I moved away, didn’t care for my sick mother — and now she’s trying to take it. Can I push back and still keep the peace?

Consider the case of Genevieve, whose mother passed away from cancer. Genevieve’s sister took on the bulk of caregiving duties while their mother was ill, since she lived about a half hour’s drive away. Genevieve wasn’t able to contribute much of her time since she lives across the country, has a full-time job and is raising two kids of her own.

Now her sister says Genevieve doesn’t “deserve” her $223,000 inheritance (half of their mother’s estate, divided equally between the sisters) because she didn’t help out with caregiving duties for their mother while she was ill. Genevieve is wondering how to keep her share of the inheritance while keeping the peace with her sister — or if that’s even possible.

Resolving familial friction over an inheritance

Disputes over an inheritance or estate can create rifts in family relationships and even lead to lengthy — and expensive — legal battles. Ideally, issues around inheritance should be dealt with while the parent or parents are still alive. For example, a family trust could provide the caregiving child with a payment for services rendered (comparable to the rate of a home care provider), and whatever is left after the parent(s) pass away is then split according to the will.

Or, the parent(s) could make another type of arrangement, such as splitting the money equally between the children but leaving the house to the caregiving child (say, by establishing a joint tenancy so the house automatically passes on to the caregiving child). The same could be done with a bank account or brokerage account.

Once a parent has passed, it’s much harder to do that; the siblings would have to come to an agreement on their own, with the help of a mediator or by going to court. It could help if the parent names an executor or trustee who is not a sibling, so they can make more impassioned decisions if there’s a dispute.

If that’s not possible, it could be worth seeing a professional mediator — before it gets to the point where a judge is involved. A mediator can help the parties reach a mutually acceptable agreement. For example, perhaps Genevieve would be willing to pay her sister a portion of her inheritance as wages for home care services rendered.

The financial implications of caregiving in America

In many cases, adult children find themselves forced into a caregiving situation. Maybe the parent refuses to move into an assisted living home or maybe there isn’t enough money to pay for one. Many caregivers find that — no matter how much they love their parents or relatives — caregiving duties take a toll. In some cases, they can no longer hold a full-time job while caring for a loved one full-time. It’s no wonder that a sibling who provides the majority (or all) of the caregiving duties can start to feel resentful.

While the population ages — and the number of people with chronic illnesses increases — the need for caregiving will only continue to grow. This has financial implications: unpaid caregiving is valued at $600 billion, according to an AARP report.

In some cases, city, county, state or federal services or programs may be available, and Medicare or Medicaid might cover some expenses. Some employers may offer Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs) that provide caregiving support, such as counseling, or even paid caregiver leave. An employer may also be able to offer more flexible work arrangements, even if they don’t have an EAP.

Another option is to prepare for such a scenario in advance. That might mean purchasing a long-term care insurance policy or opening a Health Savings Account (HSA), which allows you to save money for qualifying medical expenses and withdraw it tax-free. So, if you do require support as you age, you’ll have access to funds and perhaps professional services that can help your family members with the transition, too.