‘We’re missing out on life for you to hoard money’: Couple with $1M net worth struggles to balance child-care responsibilities and pay for minor conveniences. Ramit Sethi responds

Imbalance in household responsibilities

Jibran owns an event services company that he considers his first “child.” The family sacrificed many holidays and weekends as Jibran spent long hours establishing the business. His dedication to the venture also meant Noor was primarily responsible for raising their two children.

Noor estimates that the family saved $30,000 by avoiding the cost of child care, but Jibran’s refusal to pay for occasional food delivery and cleaning services has left her exhausted. “His life wasn't interrupted or as tiring as mine [because of child care] and nursing throughout the night and then signing on at night to work,” she says.

A report from the Pew Research Center found that women are contributing more to household income, but men are not contributing more to unpaid labor at home. The 2023 report found 45% of women earn the same or more than their husbands, but they still spend about 2 hours more than their partners on caregiving and roughly 2.5 hours more than their partners on household chores.

Men had more time for leisure every week, with or without children in the equation.

Noor and Jibran can alleviate some of these issues by hiring helpers, which Sethi believes they can afford given their high income. However, Jibran’s commitment to financial restraint has made this difficult for them to consider.

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Hustle culture gone too far

High-income couples with air-tight budgets and disciplined investment plans generally have a long-term goal in mind. But for Noor and Jibran, their objective seems hazy, centered only on accumulating money for the sake of accumulation.

Noor says Jibran is “laser-focused on the long-term goal, which I don't even know what that is because he doesn't want to retire early; he loves working. So I'm like, ‘What are we doing this for?’”

A 2022 survey conducted by Deloitte and Workplace Intelligence found that so-called “hustle culture” or “workaholism” can have several negative consequences for mental health and increase the risk of burnout.

Meanwhile, Sethi says obsessive frugality is often counterproductive and can strain relationships, as is apparent in the case of Noor and Jibran. “It works for a while, but ultimately the idea that you can just simply grind it out eventually causes problems,” he says.

His solution is for them to have an honest conversation about their different perspectives on money and rebalance their relationship to evenly distribute work and leisure. Sethi points out that many couples struggle with shifts in their family dynamics around money and household responsibilities.

“And that's okay. That's natural,” he says. “But it's really hard to re-calibrate a relationship whether it be like, ‘Hey, I'm doing 75% of the household tasks’ or ‘I don't want to be the only one managing the money’ or ‘I don't like the way that we spend money, we spend too much or we save too much.’ To recalibrate is really hard.”