Dec 30, 2024
Many couples struggle with financial secrets and infidelity, but in some cases it boils over into something much more serious: theft.
On a recent episode of Ramit Sethi’s Money for Couples, 33-year-old Michelle confessed to taking $5,000 from her partner Matt’s safe. This breach of trust has left a permanent scar on their relationship. “I was just really disappointed,” says Matt. “[That money] was going to be her ring, that's what I was going to pay for it with. She's always asking about a ring and that's the reason why she hasn't gotten it yet.”
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To salvage their relationship, Sethi believes the couple needs to make drastic changes to how they communicate and manage money together.
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Multiple forms of financial infidelity
Financial infidelity is fairly common. Among U.S. adults who have ever combined finances in a current or past relationship, 43% have committed at least one financial deception, according to a poll by the National Endowment for Financial Education (NEFE).
However, deception comes in many forms, such as concealing financial accounts, hiding or lying about debt and being dishonest about spending habits. Unfortunately, Michelle seems to have indulged in multiple forms of financial infidelity.
Michelle has roughly $230,000 in total debt, which Matt says he wasn’t told about. In fact, many of her bills and financial statements were concealed from him, leaving him in the dark about her dire financial situation. She also convinced him to co-sign a $15,000 loan to consolidate some of her debt, but he told Sethi he’s “not really sure what she did with that.” Of course, the most egregious breach of trust was stealing money from his safe.
Despite dating for seven years, these issues have prevented the couple from moving forward in their relationship. “I'm worried that he's going to realize that he can't trust me with money and that he doesn't see a future with me because I'm financially irresponsible,” Michelle admits.
Indeed, roughly 60% of Americans say they’ve delayed getting married to avoid inheriting their partner’s debt, according to a survey by the National Debt Relief. Also, 54% of them say having a partner with debt is a valid reason to consider divorce.
As for financial deception, 54% of Americans believe it is as bad as physical cheating or other forms of lying in a relationship, according to a Forbes survey. Most alarmingly, roughly 10% of couples who have experienced financial infidelity have divorced over it, according to a 2018 study published in the Journal of Financial Therapy.
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While the outlook for their relationship is bleak, Sethi believes Michelle has a shot at salvaging it if she’s willing to admit her mistakes and take responsibility for her mountainous debt.
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Taking responsibility
According to Sethi, the first step for Michelle to rebuild trust in her relationship is to be open and honest about her financial situation. Instead of hiding her statements and debt payments, she must reveal this critical information and make a joint plan with Matt to try to pay this debt off over time.
He also encourages her to seek help from a therapist to address her emotional response to money and her spending habits. Professional intervention could, potentially, help her make lifestyle changes that improve the health of her relationship with Matt.
Addressing financial trauma and mental health issues related to money is a growing niche. The Financial Therapy Association says its membership has expanded from 225 in 2015 to 430 in 2024, given the rising number of people who are struggling with mental health issues sparked by financial struggles.
While therapy isn’t a magic bullet, it could help couples like Matt and Michelle resolve some of their underlying problems while dealing with money together to build a stronger foundation for the future.
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Vishesh Raisinghani is a financial journalist covering personal finance, investing and the global economy. He's also the founder of Sharpe Ascension Inc., a content marketing agency focused on investment firms. His work has appeared in Moneywise, Yahoo Finance!, Motley Fool, Seeking Alpha, Mergers & Acquisitions Magazine and Piggybank.
