‘We stopped dreaming — you can’t dream at 113%’: Couple’s retirement plan spiraling beyond reach as they struggle to spend less than they earn every month

“We stopped dreaming,” Michelle admits on an episode of Sethi’s I Will Teach You To Be Rich show. “You can’t dream at 113%.”

Michelle struggles to spend, explaining to Sethi she feels it physically when money leaves her account, while Ryan is seemingly unbothered. Sethi quickly identifies Michelle’s issue with their dynamic is that she’s left to worry for the family, while he’s along for the ride — a “passenger of the worry.”

“I would like an equal worrier,” she says. “I want someone as concerned as I am.”

Here’s why Michelle and Ryan aren’t alone in their situation.

Ants and grasshoppers

To explain her family’s financial dynamics, Michelle uses a fable from Bill Perkins’ book Die with Zero. In the fable, the ant works all summer to collect food for winter, while the grasshopper enjoys the summer and starves when winter arrives.

“I married a grasshopper,” Michelle explains. “This is what happens when the grasshopper marries the ant.”

She spent much of her 20s and 30s following advice from finance personalities like Suze Orman and Ramit Sethi to build up a sizable nest egg — part of why the couple now has $969,935 in net worth. However, Ryan has never taken finances seriously and has always been a carefree spender. Now that Michelle is a stay-at-home mom with three kids, they rely on Ryan’s income, but his spending habits push the limits of their monthly budget.

This dynamic isn’t unusual. Research by professors at the University of Michigan, University of Pennsylvania and University of Minnesota indicates that couples can often be split into “spendthrifts” and “tightwads” and that these opposing views on finances are strong predictors of conflicts over money, which ultimately lead to reduced marital satisfaction.

According to a study conducted for Intuit Credit Karma, nearly 31% of millennials have broken up with a romantic partner or spouse over money issues.

But it doesn’t have to come to that. Here’s what experts recommend saver/spender couples do.

Dealing with saver/spender dynamics

Part of what may contribute to Michelle and Ryan’s current issues with money could be traced back to their historic issues with money. Michelle resents that when she was in her early 20s, she was babysitting and picking up multiple side hustles while Ryan was living his best life in Australia. He never had to worry about money the way she did because he always knew he had a safety net to fall back on.

Your philosophy on money is likely shaped by the house you grew up in — if you saw your parents worrying about money regularly, you’re likely to fret about having enough as an adult.

And Sethi identifies an important point here, too. Michelle seems to equate worrying about money with caring about money. If Ryan seems unworried, perhaps Michelle interprets that as uncaring — and that leaves all the responsibility of the family’s financial security on her shoulders.

But that can only lead to further problems for the couple.