28. 'When I say jump, you say...?'
I worked at a restaurant as a busser, and a customer came in from outside and demanded that I give her a jump.
I told her that I didn't have a car, and got chewed out.
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26. He gave the customer a flip reply
Worked at a call center many moons ago. Customer called in and couldn't find the second page of his credit card bill. Before I could say anything, he went on a rant about how he hadn't gotten the second page for months.
When he stopped to take a breath I told him to turn the statement over. He hung up.
25. Mamma Mia!
Had a customer come in and start rattling off something angrily in a language I didn't understand for a good few minutes. When my only response was a dumbfounded stare, she exclaimed, furiously:
"UGH! You don't speak Italian!!"
And then stormed out of the store.
This was in Florida.
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24. P-P-P-Poker face
I used to work as a bank teller. People who poorly managed their money were always coming into the branch to have fees reversed. You know the type of person, someone who never takes accountability for anything. Everything that happens to them is someone else's fault.
Anyway, one guy in particular was always overdrafting his account. He always had some story of how he was wronged and that the overdraft wasn't his fault. One day he came in wanting to have 10+ overdraft fees reversed. All the transactions were for online poker websites.
He said: "None of those transactions are mine. This is fraud! I don't even gamble online!!!"
I said: "Sir, you are wearing a PokerStars T-shirt."
23. Talk about false modesty
I had some guy actually yell at me because we had the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition on display at my register at a grocery store. He claimed that it is "pornography and should not be visible for children to see" and "I'm glad my kids are on vacation so they don't have to be subjected to its perversion."
I asked him where they went on vacation. "The beach."
22. How does that rhyme go about '30 days'?
(The customer phones a call center to say she can't place her order on the web.)
Me: ... Right. So. What are you ordering?
Customer: (some oven thermometer).
Me: Great. (takes name/address). What's the credit card number?
Customer: (gives credit card information with expiration 11/12).
Me: Well there's your problem. 11/12 ended yesterday.
Customer: Yesterday was 11/30! It's 11/31 now!
Me: No it isn't.
Customer: I want to speak to your manager. You're being rude.
Me: Mmmmm no.
Me: No. I'm not being rude, I'm trying to help you. It's 12/1 today.
Lady abruptly hung up. Strangely satisfying call.
21. Barnes & Feeble
I own a bookstore. A guy came up to the counter with books and gave me his library card. I said, "We're a bookstore, not a library." He yelled, "What am I paying taxes for?"
Clearly, not the schools.
20. No filter for foolishness
Manager: "Can I help you ma'am?"
Lady: "I hope so, you're all out of my size of air filter!"
Manager:" Which size was that ma'am?"
Lady: "10-inch by 20-inch."
Manager: "Let me see here." Manager looks around the shelf. "Here you go." Hands the Lady a 20x10 air filter.
Lady: "I said I need 10x20!"
Manager keeps quiet, takes back air filter, holds it out in front of him, rotates it 90 degrees, and hands it back to her with a [expletive] eating grin.
Lady leaves in silence, with the 20x10.
19. Cape of lost hope
I work at a local Walmart and we were hosting a prescreening of the (2013 movie) Man of Steel, and I got to wear a full-sized Superman cape for the week beforehand to help advertise it.
I had a customer complain that unless I was wearing the entire costume I was being unprofessional and shouldn't be allowed to wear the cape.
18. The Holy Grail of dumb complaints
Worked at a used bookstore in college. Lady was upset that The Da Vinci Code was kept in the fiction section because it's all real and "who gets to decide that it's not?"
My answer of "the author" did not appease her...
17. Power fail
I worked at a well-known university. A professor from the electrical engineering department called me and asked if I could take a look at his computer. He said it was dead and wouldn't work.
I wasn't an IT person but I thought I'd take a look. So I get there, and the computer was dead and wouldn't power up. So I checked to see if the cord had gotten kicked out of the wall. The computer was plugged into a power strip and the power strip was plugged into itself.
16. Lost in the wash
I used to work for Sears and a co-worker told me this story. He sold a top loading washer to gentleman, with a five-year service agreement. The service agreement covered most things except customer negligence.
(The man) came back into the store about a week later, absolutely livid. He was complaining that the washer wasn't working correctly, it was all off-balance, and the drum was ruined. ...
During a long argument between the man, my co-worker and the department manager, the man revealed that the first thing he did with the washer was wash a bowling ball. Apparently he did not realize that would be bad for the machine.
His service agreement, of course, was void after such a blatant display of negligence. And of course, he did the customary vow to never shop at our store again.
15. Bacon a fool of herself
Older woman comes up to the counter at my Wendy's.
"I didn't know a Baconator comes with bacon, I need a new one."
14. Cuppa 'D'oh!'
I had a woman bring in her computer tower for repair. She said that the cup holder was broken. Of course, I’m incredibly confused and ask her to show me.
Yep, she was using the CD drive as a cup holder.
13. 'You know, those bananas from Mt. Hood'
"Why don't you have local bananas?!"
—Irate customer in the produce department of an Oregon grocery store.
12. Media player
This was a request stemming from a complaint. Customer complained that her phone was out of service for too long. She demanded we give her three free months of cable.
She didn't have our cable services, though. She wanted us to install our equipment and cable at her house and give her three months free. All because her landline was out for a few days.
11. When work is a breeze
I used to work in the dining room of a retirement home. One night an old lady [expletive]ed at me for walking past her too fast and the breeze it created was making her cold.
I was like, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I've got five tables to serve and don't have time to walk slowly enough to keep the climate stable."
10. Beyond words
(I) get calls from users needing their password reset. They'll usually complain how difficult it is to keep up with passwords and how we purposely make things difficult, blah blah blah. They only use one password for everything.
So I reset their password for them, and when they need to pick a new password — it throws an error saying their new password cannot be their previous password.
9. I scream, you scream
She came into the restaurant and ordered fried ice cream. Now, fried ice cream is still ice cream, just with a deep-fried shell.
She returns the dessert after a few bites claiming that it was too cold. I explained to her that ice cream is supposed to be cold. She asked me to microwave it to warm it up, and I said, "So you want ice cream soup?" She said no and then demanded a refund.
She got a refund because her ice cream was cold.
8. But doesn't the deli counter make loans?
I work at a bank inside of a grocery store. The customer was very upset that they couldn't buy their toilet paper and Doritos at the teller window.
7. Not faithful enough
I was in Yellowstone on a family vacation. For those who don't know, there is a geyser there called Old Faithful whose big claim to fame is the fact that it rather regularly goes off about every 90 minutes. As such, the Parks Service has a sign with an estimate of when it will be going off next.
On this particular day, the geyser was about 15 minutes late and there were NUMEROUS people at the information desk to complain about it, as if they have some sort of button that they simply forgot to press.
6. Hardest question he ever got
More of a request than a complaint, but a young lady had two smaller diamonds and asked if I could combine them together into one larger diamond.
When I told that was not possible she gave me a look like I was speaking a foreign language so I simply told her I was nowhere near strong enough to do that. Again, she was all disbelief with mouth agape. I had nothing else to tell her.
5. Not getting her fax straight
We had a client complain that we didn't tell her that her fax didn't come through.
Because we never got the fax.
She couldn't understand that, since we: a.) didn't know she was trying to fax us (so we weren't expecting anything); and b.) we got no notifications or error messages that meant we didn't receive anything from her.
Her exact words were "Why didn't you tell me that you never got anything from me?" After trying to explain it several times, my co-worker just gave up.
4. Guac shock
This actually happened frequently: I worked at a place that served sushi, and many people believe that wasabi is avocado and eat the whole chunk at once. Then they're usually pretty mad that nobody told them it wasn't guacamole.
3. What's 12 divided by 4?
I once had a shareholder complain that they only got their quarterly statement every three months.
2. White flight
Went something like this:
Customer: My black-and-white cartridge isn't working.
Me: Is it not printing anything?
Customer: No, it's just not printing white.
Me: White is the paper. The ink is just black.
1. A jelly jam
Pharmacist friend told me this one:
(A) lady complained her vaginal jelly topical medication wasn't working to clear up her issues. "Can you describe how you're using it?" She was spreading it on toast and eating it every morning! LOL
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