We have 3 adult children and financially support the oldest — she’s married and unemployed with a kid. I think we should provide equal support but my husband disagrees. What do we do?

Create a plan

Couples usually love their children and want to help, but their handouts may come at the expense of their own retirement planning. There’s no getting around the anxiety – and the money math – of just how much help their kids need.

In this case, Mom and Dad are also a house divided.

If you’re a parent and this scenario sounds familiar, you may already know that supporting your adult children financially is hard work. But your marriage and relationships with your kids can benefit greatly from some advance planning. Have a long discussion with your partner on these points. Getting on the same page with your spouse is the first step before giving your adult children any significant sum of money and can help avoid future arguments.

Don't overextend yourself: Budget just how much you can afford to give without jeopardizing your own financial health. While being able to help our kids at any age seems like the right thing to do, a new study from Savings.com found nearly 50% of parents who financially support at least one adult child say they have sacrificed their financial security to help their grown kids financially. Will you provide just the essentials? Pay off credit debt? Finance their future financial dreams or goals? Such questions are worth resolving first before anyone’s asked for a dime.

Decide on fairness: Decide if you’re going to give each child an equal amount or if you will adjust based on their situation. Does one deserve more help than the other two? “Maybe one kid lost their job, or maybe they’re having a harder time getting a business off the ground,” said Leslie Tayne, a financial attorney and author of the book "Life & Debt," to Synchrony Bank. “These are all OK times to help out one child more than another.”

The blog post added: "But all financial professionals caution against allowing an adult child’s short-term financial need to become long-term financial dependency."

There's no easy answer, but it's time to think carefully about your reasons and what impact your actions have. Determine if your help is based on your child’s financial behavior. If the money is helping with discretionary spending or anything other than the everyday basics, it’s fair to scrutinize the help and ask if feeding a child’s poor spending habits is doing more harm than good. Consider if your support for one child is affecting their motivation or drive. Is your eldest really in more need of help than the other two or is she making a choice to rely on you more?

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Setting financial boundaries with your children

If you’ve decided to set limits on how much you can give to each child, you need to communicate that to them. Be clear on your own financial goals and retirement plans so your kids know what you can afford.

Being firm on what you’re willing to fund and for how long is critical, so your children know you haven’t morphed into a 24-7 ATM. Communicate your support boundaries, and expect pushback. But now that you’re aligned as parents, you’re ready to stand your ground.

Be specific, too. For instance, for your first child, consider calculating their exact monthly rent and for how many months you’re willing to pay it. If you can’t give lots of money to your adult children, you can still support them emotionally and encourage success. Offer help on their resumes, interview skills, money-saving tips, and offer to help them find a life or financial coach if needed.